When a telemarketer calls, fill your cheeks with chocolate Moon Pie and start talking. Ask her to marry you. No matter how hard you try, she won’t understand a word you’re saying. If you swallow the first sandwich and the effect “wears-off,” grab another pie and open wide. Babble about mutual funds, homeland security, or the benefits of garlic. Hold the phone close to your mouth and make that smacking sound. Use words that begin with the letter R, like weesearch, weesponsible, weetaliate, weeview, and weconcile. Above all, wefrain from gasping—you’ll get chocolate up your nose and the people at the Moon Pie factory don’t want that.

When they say, Do you need to answer that other line?

Can you keep your dog quiet?

Are you like having a party or something?

Do you need to attend to your child?

Are you at the muffler shop?

Is somebody at the front door?

You say,

You say,

You say,

You say,

You say,

You say,

That’s either my parole officer or those blasted collections people. They’ll go away if we ignore the ring.

Who, Gilda? She’s excited because you’ve called. She’ll stop barking soon. Oh Gilda, you’re so precious...gimme big kisses.

I caused a six-car pileup on the freeway this morning and my friends are here to loan me money and cheer me up.

That’s Joey. He’s such a baby. I’ll feed him later. Please continue with the presentation.

I’m having my transmission repaired and I’m in a very bad mood. You say one wrong thing and I’ll stomp my feet and scream.

It’s the pizza guy; he’ll come back. I’d rather hear about your real estate deal in Thailand.

Everybody we talked to argued strenuously about the 3-2 rankings for Attorney and New Car Salesperson. It was a split-decision, so we settled the matter alphabetically. This poll was conducted in October 2003 and is subject to the usual 3% sampling error, although we’re not exactly sure why.

Grab your cordless phone and pretend you’re interested in the garbage they’re selling. Go outside and walk away from the base. Keep walking and talking. When the signal "flutters" and you’re almost out-of-range, march back and forth to fade in and fade out, then take some really big steps until static is king and the call collapses like a wet taco. When my telemarketer is gone I always take a deep breath and hold the warm phone against my chest. Yes, it’s a slow predictable win, nonetheless a wireless story you can share with friends and family for years.
 

Nobody feels comfortable talking to anyone when they’re on the toilet. So, when you’re in a hurry and need to dump your telemarketer, simply say: "I’m on the toilet right now." This baby works like a charm. What’s more, telemarketers can’t resist sharing their little bathroom tale with co-workers. Every minute of their company’s valuable time wasted with “Lisa Lee, you ain’t gonna believe the call I done did had today” is less time they have to pester responsible and intelligent people like you and me.

Editor’s note: People on the potty speak with a wee defensive tone. Consider these inflections: "I’m on the toilet right now," or "I’m on the toilet right now," or if you really are on the toilet: "I’m on the toilet right now!" I’ve used this escape technique a dozen times with predictable results. When you get busy and can’t think of what to say, just blurt out that you’re on the toilet―and faster than you can wave a Wal-mart plunger, that stinking telemarketer is gone.

    
 
Fred "Rain Gutters" Polinski  Chattahoochee, FL
Whistles on words that end in S; stutters when pronouncing his hometown.
Annual salary: $8,500 plus a coveted Labor Day bonus.
Telemarketing specialties: credit card promos, studio portraits, and rain gutters.
Headset preference: HOGAN TERMINATOR Model B

Favorite song: Take this Job and Shove It   (available now at Amazon.com)
Always calls during dinner because, "People like to buy aluminum siding while they're eating."

Graduated junior high in 1978 and started his telemarketing career the same year. He doesn’t wear underwear or shoes, he doesn’t work on Tuesdays, and Florida health officials characterize his flea count as manageable.

He declared bankruptcy at fourteen. Equifax and TransUnion state, "Polinski’s credit score is so low, he couldn’t charge a AA battery." Most people tolerate Fred except Martha in Accounting who says his payroll checks come back "smelling like new cheese or old meat."

MAHWAH, New Jersey  ―  Friends, if you’re not on board with this telemarketing war thing, you should be. Check out these published stats from DialAmerica Marketing, Inc. What’s even more alarming is this company is just one of thousands of telemarketing organizations. Telemarketers are like fire ants. They work in colonies and sometimes sting us with their fraudulent ways.

DialAmerica promotes their technological superiority with words like "Rockwell Spectrum™ Integrated Call Center System" and "proprietary outbound dialer refinements." What they’re really saying is, they look for innovative ways to maximize agent productivity and their client’s sales while aggressively invading your privacy, and making you run and answer a ringing phone.

Like a fungus on your shower door, the telemarketing industry has evolved and grown steadily over the past 30 years. They’re big. They’ve got money, automated systems, and trained personnel.

The Pest Control Supercenter has almost no money, but we do have the power of the web, a large supply of Moon Pies, and an army of motivated Do Not Call registrants ready to fight these people. We’ll win this war. You’ll see.

Allow your telemarketer to babble and spew, while you seize every opportunity to chime in with yah shure, you betcha. Minnesota people invented this yahshure hogwash and it’s funny at first, but then it gets real old real fast. Use it with confidence to steer pesky telephone sales people right over the edge. Here are all the stupid variations we can think of:

Yah.  Short and simple. Let’s people know you’re still awake.
Yah shure.  I heard you and I like what you say.
Yah shure, you betcha.  I like what you say, now let’s eat.
Yahshure, yoo betcha.  I like what you say, but I’m hungry. Let’s go.
Yahshure, yooo betcha.  That’s great. We can talk about it in the car.
Yahshure yoobetcha.  Sounds good to me. Where’s the bathroom?
Yoo betcha.  You smell like a Wisconsin cow.

When you get sick of yoo betcha, you can always pretend you’re with the Minnesota State Highway Patrol and comeback with our favorite, "Yah, that’s a huge 10-4."

 
Rhonda "I Have Got the Touch" Furstenburger  Orem, Utah
Attractive, yes. Intelligent, not really.
Annual salary: $7,500 plus 1% commission on sales after 10 p.m.
Telemarketing specialties: Long distance services and chimney sweeps.
Best childhood memory: Watching TV

Travel experience: Band camp in Norman, Oklahoma.
Gets moody if none of the doughnuts has sprinkles.

After closing a deal, Furstenberger always celebrates with her stupid little dance. Dreams every night of the chance to hear these 9 words: "Rhonda, for the washer, the dryer, and the VCR..." Always wears her lucky skirt on Fridays. She’s engaged to an Idaho truck driver named Homer, and although Rhonda gets excited looking at his big rig, she dislikes touching the grease. Desperately wants to be a telephone supervisor if she grows up.

Drill Instructor's Notebook – page 20  Residential telemar keters assume that because they called you, it’s their show and they're in control. The telemar keting theatre has changed. Effective immediately, you–and not the telemar keter–are the platoon leader. You determine which s kits to use, how much of your telemar keter’s time to waste, and when the conversation is over. We refer to these third-rate sales people as "your telemar keter" because from now on, you’re calling the shots.

Let's be frank. We all like to fart. People are amused when they hear a good poof. Albeit, there are 2 times when flatulence is a major problem: 1) Riding the elevator after lunch with an important client, and 2) when a person is trying to sell something on the phone. You can destroy a telemarketer's sales pitch in 7 or 8 minutes with 5 or 6 well-placed "digital flaps" from our little Fart Control Panel. We recommend the Cantaloupe Surprise. Set your volume HIGH and fire when ready.

Tell your telemarketer you'll consider purchasing their product if they bark like a dog for 12 minutes. Some will click you off right away, but others are incredibly naive, so be ready. After a minute, instruct your telemarketer to sit with paws up and throw in some growls, a whine, and a few woofs. When their bark becomes scratchy and weak, order them to imitate these breeds: African Wild Dog, Bluetick Coonhound, Danish Farm Dog, German Sheeppoodle, Pekepoo, Tibetan Spaniel, and the Victorian Bulldog. If they refuse, you’ve worked the call as much as you can; say, "bad dog," and hang up.