Luanne Gofer
Won the lottery in 1994. Can't get telemarketing out of her blood. Works at the Seattle call center on Tuesdays. Shops at Nordstrom the rest of the week. Likes to drop by the office to show off her new pocketbooks.

Yosohito Hasagawi
Born Leroy Jackson. Changed his name to attract Asian women. Hasagawi can't read or write, but he can pour milk and dial a telephone. Holds the east coast record for most months without a sale (sixty). Has a wife somewhere, he thinks.

Herman Flowers, Jr.
Works at Tasty Queen during the day. Does telemarketing at night. Prefers to call people when they're bathing because, "Humans are more attentive when they're cold, wet and standing." Points a lot. Hates his name, but likes John Travolta. A lot.

Eunice and Charles Dibble, Ph.D.
This husband and wife team operates a telemarketing boiler room out of their Kentucky apartment; she specializes in windshield repair; he sells property in international waters. Mudpacks help Eunice remain emotionless when people tell her to scram. Charles has PhD's in astronomy, particle physics, philosophy, and biometrics, but no one will hire him because he can't stop yawning.

With words like: War Against Telemarketers, Drill Instructor's Notebook, Battlefield Advisory, and Moon Pies, you may be thinking we've activated the National Guard. Not really.
 
It's a battle of the brains.
Millions of people who have registered with DoNotCall are opposed to the telemarketing industry's basic assumption that they can make us run to the phone any time they want. We're fed up and fighting back with radical countermeasures.

◄ As for the promo for the CH - 53 Super Stallion amphibious assault ship? We just like helicopters.

We have reports that some of you are drinking purified, bottled water while battling the telemarketers. Stop that.

Effective next Tuesday, every soldier fighting the War Against Telemarketers will drink regulation tap water from a canteen.

Thelma Norton called last week asking, "how much camouflage do I put on my helmet?"

People, we have gone over this a dozen times. Cover your helmet with enough branches so that the telemarketer cannot see you.

Interrupt with your best accent and say, “You sound like you're fum Dallas!” Like magic, you’ve made your telemarketer self-conscious. Now, sit back and listen while they screw up the sale. It doesn’t really matter if they're from Key West or Queens, deep-down inside, everybody wants to sound like a Texan. Here are 10 things you can say to prove you're from—or at the very least have traveled through—the Lone Star State.

• How ‘bout them Cowboys?
• Yeah, gimme another beer.
• Sugar, this ain't my first rodeo.
• Well, that might could be.
• I’d like to help, but we’re barbequing tonight.
• My cow died last night and we don't need your bull.

• This right here is gooder'n grits.
• You are plum crazy.
• Don't you pee down my back and tell me it's raining.

• It’s not that everything in Texas is so big, it’s just that
  everything else is so small.

Texans are precision thinkers and frequently add "might" to the "could be" to add a bit more possibility to the possibility.
More than just normal regular crazy. You are beyond crazy; the way your dog feels when you tease him with food and then don't give him any.

Crying on the phone is easier than crying on a movie set. For starters, the telemarketer can't see you. If you're home alone, here's an opportunity to refine your acting skills with a "real live dummy." Consider these guidelines: 1) Don't bring back some tearful event from the past. The telemarketer called you, so play the part of the person who answers the phone. 2) Let them speak. Build confidence by showing approval. 3) Become fully absorbed in this character: You are unemployed, down to your last fifty bucks and all alone. The IRS is leaving sticky notes on your car, your credit cards are maxed, you can't sleep, and you are more afraid right now than ever before. You're afraid because you can't think. The muscles around your eyes tighten, your cheeks distort, your lips are sealed and you can't breathe. When the telemarketer asks a question, release everything with a burst of emotion. You're crying big time. Cameras are rolling. Talk to your telemarketer about money. Ask if you can borrow fifteen dollars. When she says no, tighten... burst, and continue. When the scene is finished and your telemarketer is gone, you can be certain of three things: she will think about you on the way home, she will contrast and compare your financial mess to hers in bed that night, and she'll recall your stunning performance eight more times during her natural life.

 Are you a residential telemarketer? If so, take a good look at yourself. When you consider the millions of people who dislike the work you do, maybe it's time to do something else.

Here's a dandy suggestion: Call your supervisor right now.
Tell her that you don't like the image in the mirror. Tell her that you're tired of calling people at home, wasting their precious time, intruding on their lives and selling useless stuff nobody wants. Hold the phone to your left ear, plant your opposite hand firmly on your right hip and say, "I have had enough of being called arrogant and thoughtless and starting today, I don't want to behave like a pesky, problematic, penny-ante, pimple-headed, public nuisance anymore."

We've assembled some of the most annoying background music and sounds we could find—songs that stick in your head for weeks and drive people nuts when they're trying to sell something on the phone. Set the volume HIGH so your telemarketer hears every note. Each sound clip loops 100 times for maximum disorientation. See notes below.

Circus Music

Sailor's Tune

Alphabet Song

 Keyboard Data Entry

Happy Birthday

Busy Busy

Breaking News

Morse Code...

Tick Tock

Heart Thuds

Christmas in April

Weasel Tune

Notes  Click different music objects to create a custom mix, or press Esc to stop the player. Although these sound clips are intended to disrupt a telemarketer's concentration, studies near Washington State University indicate that playing Circus Music helps people finish housework a lot sooner. Sabrina Periwinkle from Hugo, Colorado writes, "Thanks to Circus Music, I can brush my teeth, pay bills, peel cucumbers, and clean my bathtub in about half the time. Our neighbor's dogs like it, too. Try it with a Starbucks DoubleShot and a thick fudge brownie for an extra-special treat."

You say "Marco" and your annoying telemarketer—we’ll call her Rosa—says, “Polo.” Convince her to play for a while. If she hangs up, that's fantastic; she'll have to take a doughnut break and when she returns, her lips will be sugary and sticky.

If she is among the 20th percentile that's willing to stop and play, you will have successfully destroyed her sales pitch. After a few exchanges, demand to speak with her supervisor. Tell her, "Rosa is peeking and should be suspended from the call center." Ask to be transferred to another telemarketer and start a new game. Marsha Figbee in Reno, Nevada holds the Supercenter's record for most new games (3) during a single telemarketing session. Keep up the good work, Figbee.

When telemarketers call, go to the kitchen, run the water and flip on your garbage disposer. If you need rumble-ready noise makers, try ice cubes, small potato chunks and fresh organic carrots. When in season, cantaloupe is a conversation treat. Save your cherry pits!  Telephone sales people are trained to overcome resistance, but nobody competes with a ¼ horsepower food waste disposer. Fight back! Telemarketers may be pesky and stupid, but they tire easily.
 

Cheap and effective waste disposer ideas. We purchase our
telemarketing vegetables in bulk at the local wholesale clubs. Our home smells like a farmer's market, but when telemarketers intrude we're ready with a kitchen full of countermeasures.

You're going on vacation tomorrow.
While making sandwiches for the trip,
he says how much he loves being with you.
You want this moment to last.

The phone rings... it's a telemarketer.
Now the whole evening is ruined.

Hover anywhere to reveal the image we see when telemarketers pollute our heads with lies and gibberish.

The War Against Telemarketers is not like other confrontations. We're battling people we cannot see who pitch products and services we do not want. These telephone sales pests have systematically invaded our homes for 40 years. Undermining this multi-billion dollar industry will take time. Be strong and focus on the win. "Don't give up until you drink from the silver cup, and ride that highway in the sky." – America, 1972

Putting a family photo on your desk speaks volumes about the important people in your life. Here are some pictures that were left behind after 2 telemarketers quit and walked-off the job.

◄ Left Photo
Jack Zinfandel is the roommate of ex-telemarketer Claudine Phlegm. Born Jack Smith, he forgot his name in 1998; social workers started calling him by the cough syrup he carries.

If you know Jack, tell him we've got his picture and to contact the Pest Control Supercenter "when it's convenient."

Margo " Jambalaya" Michoud
Bunkie, Louisiana

Michoud kept this little picture on her desk next to her phone; co-workers say roaches reappeared after we seized it. Margo, if you're out there, contact us and we'll send it to you right away.

Build confidence with your telemarketer, then start whispering lyrics from
The Moody Blues' classic, Late Lament   (available now at Amazon.com)

Olga Ivanovna "Candy" Borisovskaia  Swoyersville, Pennsylvania
Voted "Most Likely to be a Telemarketer"
Sales specialties: Anything that doesn't require algebra or geometry.
Favorite restaurant: Wong's Mexican Deli; always gets the Lemon Chicken Burrito.

Candy can't sing or dance, but she can put on deodorant and bark at the moon. Keeps her crown in the freezer. Wants to be a Hollywood actress as soon as her internet business (PromQueenAccessories.com) gets off the ground. Olga's idea of the perfect evening is "a vintage wine, a dozen roses, and a nice tall mirror."
 
Borisovskaia owns 3 dresses; the one pictured here and 2 more just like it. Her left arm and shoulder are significantly more developed than the right because, according to her brother Kokorka (pronounced Kokorka), waving helps to fan-away the halitosis. Kokorka insists the fumes are so intense, "they trigger car alarms."
 
Kokorka works at the William F. Meyerson Institute for Extraterrestrial Research and Souvenir Factory in Roswell, New Mexico. He wants to be abducted—and has tried numerous times, but "the bright lights are just not shinning his way."

The White House Rose Garden, June 27th 2003